November 17, 2004 1615 EST

What to do in a Terrorist Attack

The US government has a new website explaining what to do in the event of a Terrorist Attack. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations.


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If you have set yourself on fire, do not run


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If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.


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If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against a door with your shoulder


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If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.


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Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!


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The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one (1) armless hand.


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Ben Affleck is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.


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Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.


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Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.


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If a door is closed, karate chop it open.


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If your building collapses, give yourself a b***j** while waiting to be rescued.


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Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile


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If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.


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If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.


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If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.


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Austin is radioactive, move to Houston


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If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.


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If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.


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Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.


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A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one!