Fractured Aphorisms
June 8, 2022
- When one door closes and another door opens,you are probably in prison.
- The me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
- It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- When I say, "the other day," I could be referring to any time between
yesterday and 15 years ago.
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware
lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just
stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "Nothing," it does
not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- I run like the winded.
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't
know whose side I'm on.
- When someone asks me what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why?
What did you hear?"
- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing
on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
- I don't mean to interrupt people — I just randomly remember things and get
really excited.
- When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds
in my head. That'll freak you right out.
- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into you life out of nowhere, makes your
heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.