Disgruntled neighbours have reached breaking point when it comes to noisy sex. One headboard bang too many has forced their hand, and now they’re righting wrongs with passive-aggressive notes that tend to skip right past passive. Now, as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow, we’ve all heard someone going at it like sex going out of fashion. While my bed-rocking sessions are more Pride and Prejudice, for others, their sex life wouldn’t be out of place in the last days of Rome, and it doesn’t half make a racket!
No matter how turned on the sound of their passionate sex-having might get you, there comes a time in every neighbourly relationship when you just have to tell the people next door, “Mutually orgasm more quietly as I have work in the morning.” These notes do the job with some excellent passive-aggressive sarcasm and even a few brilliant assists from modern technology.
1. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what you call the double-par
2. No laughing matter
3. Wonder what this guy’s favourite word is…
4. Just about the creepiest note you could receive from a neighbour
5. The power of christ compels you
6. Two choices: keep it down, or involve me
7. “Sounds like he has stamina” is what every man wants to read at the end of a letter
8. Sounds like a murder scene
9. The subtle approach…
10. Even if they can’t hear you, they might see you
11. An unusual favour
12. They took the advice
13. How about if you just stand lookout?
14. Looks like the community board went to the sex shop with some petty cash
15. There’s Banksy, there’s Wanksy, and then there’s Bangsy
16. Do you have any lube left? We’re making sundaes!
17. “Agony?” How lonely are those neighbours?
18. The wall braces it. Otherwise the bed just moves around the room like a bumper car.
19. Both are very cathartic
20. Here’s hoping they’ve met by now, and they’re making noises of their own
21. Never too soon to learn how it sounds when a woman is being attended to correctly
22. Your animals fear intimacy
23. I wouldn’t be so tired if I hadn’t had to stay up all night videotaping you
It’s easy to get carried away in the moment, but remember to keep the noises down a little if you don’t want to find one of these notes hanging on your door in the morning.