23 Of The Most Hilarious Quotes
From The Simpsons

by Sara Peters

original article on knowable.com

  1. “If you don’t like your job, you don’t go on strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed — that’s the American way.”
          — Homer Simpson
  2. “Ok Mr Simpson this is a simple lie detector test, you will be asked a series of questions and you will answer yes or no, do you understand?”
    <Lie detector explodes>
  3. “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is, never try.”
          —Homer Simpson
  4. Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?
  5. “Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!”
          —Ralph Wiggum
  6. Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he’s so eager to go to the garage?
    Moe: The garage? Hey fellas, the garage! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
    Homer: Well what do you call it?
    Moe: A car hole.
  7. Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
    Homer: Yes I am.
    Marge: You don’t smoke!
    Homer: Sh. I want her to think I'm cool.
  8. “To alcohol — the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems!”
          —Homer Simpson
  9. Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
    Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
    Hutz: Three.
    Homer: Two.
    Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
    Homer: Done!
    Hutz: [proudly] Still got it
  10. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
  11. Homer: Aww, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!
    Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
    Homer: Explain how.
  12. Bart: This is the worst day of my life
    Homer: The worst day of your life SO FAR
  13. Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
  14. “The Plant called. They said if you don’t come in today, don’t bother coming in on Monday.”
    Homer: “Woohoo! Four day weekend.”
  15. Lisa: I pick up books like you pick up beers!
    Homer: Then Lisa, you have a very serious reading problem!
  16. Maybe, just once, someone will call me Sir, without adding, “You’re making a scene.”
          —Homer Simpson
  17. Flanders: I don’t understand. Is God punishing me?
    Rev. Lovejoy: Short answer, “yes” with an “if”; long answer, “no,” with a “but”
  18. Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here?
    Hank Scorpio: Sugar? Sure.
    [takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets]
    Hank Scorpio: There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream? [reaches back into his pockets]
    Homer: Uh... I... no.
  19. Apparently this was originally Courtney Love’s line and went:
    Courtney: “Hello Homer, Courtney Love.”
    Homer: “Hi Courtney, Homer grateful!”
  20. “So I said ‘No Officer, you’re driving under the influence...of being a jerk.‘”
          —Lenny Leonard
  21. Go ahead, do your worst!
    Very well! Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
  22. They call em fingers but I've never seen 'em fing...
  23. Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
    Homer: New glasses?
    Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
    Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
    Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart’s activities, but then I’d be afraid of smothering him.
    Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair.
    Marge: That’s not what I meant.
    Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.