- “If you don’t like your job, you don’t go on strike.
You just go in every day and do it really half-assed — that’s
the American way.”
— Homer Simpson - “Ok Mr Simpson this is a simple lie detector test, you will be
asked a series of questions and you will answer yes or no, do you understand?”
“Yes”
<Lie detector explodes> - “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. Lesson is,
never try.”
—Homer Simpson - Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?
- “Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!”
—Ralph Wiggum - Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he’s so eager to go to the garage?
Moe: The garage? Hey fellas, the garage! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe: A car hole. - Insurance Agent: Are you a smoker?
Homer: Yes I am.
Marge: You don’t smoke!
Homer: Sh. I want her to think I'm cool. - “To alcohol — the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s
problems!”
—Homer Simpson - Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't
help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled
attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it - Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
- Homer: Aww, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how. - Bart: This is the worst day of my life
Homer: The worst day of your life SO FAR - Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
- “The Plant called. They said if you don’t come in today, don’t
bother coming in on Monday.”
Homer: “Woohoo! Four day weekend.” - Lisa: I pick up books like you pick up beers!
Homer: Then Lisa, you have a very serious reading problem! - Maybe, just once, someone will call me Sir, without adding, “You’re making
a scene.”
—Homer Simpson - Flanders: I don’t understand. Is God punishing me?
Rev. Lovejoy: Short answer, “yes” with an “if”; long answer, “no,” with a “but” - Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here?
Hank Scorpio: Sugar? Sure.
[takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets]
Hank Scorpio: There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream? [reaches back into his pockets]
Homer: Uh... I... no. - Apparently this was originally Courtney Love’s line and went:
Courtney: “Hello Homer, Courtney Love.”
Homer: “Hi Courtney, Homer grateful!” - “So I said ‘No Officer, you’re driving under the influence...of
being a jerk.‘”
—Lenny Leonard - Go ahead, do your worst!
Very well! Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons! - They call em fingers but I've never seen 'em fing...
- Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart’s activities, but then I’d be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we’d get the chair.
Marge: That’s not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.